1
00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:04,421
It seems today that all you see

2
00:00:04,755 --> 00:00:08,217
Is violence in movies and sex on TV

3
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:11,595
But where are those
good old-fashioned values

4
00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:14,473
On which we used to rely?

5
00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:18,018
Lucky there's a family guy

6
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Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do

7
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:23,023
All the things that make us

8
00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,733
Laugh and cry!

9
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:29,947
He's a family guy!

10
00:00:34,785 --> 00:00:37,788
- Hello, I'm Tom Tucker.
- And I'm Diane Simmons, reporting live

11
00:00:37,913 --> 00:00:41,083
from the 35th annual
Quahog Veteran's Day celebration.

12
00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:42,876
And here comes the parade!

13
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,921
First up, a float from
the Veterans of Future Wars.

14
00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:53,387
And here comes whackadoo film director,
Oliver Stone.

15
00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:55,055
Oliver's here promoting his new movie,

16
00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:58,308
Born on the Fourth of July 2:
Born on the Fifth of July,

17
00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:01,937
which he promises will be even July-ier
than the original.

18
00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:04,898
A dangerously insane human being.

19
00:01:05,274 --> 00:01:08,443
And here comes the next float,
honoring uninjured veterans.

20
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- Yeah!
- We rock!

21
00:01:10,696 --> 00:01:12,489
Our wives stayed with us.

22
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,576
- Think fast!
- We did!

23
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,831
Mom, how come when we see these guys
on the street corner

24
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:23,959
you tell me not to stare at them,
and today that's all we're doing?

25
00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:27,337
Because, Chris, as Americans,
we owe our lives to these veterans.

26
00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:30,048
Hey, look, Lois,
"The John McCain Experience."

27
00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:37,806
I wanna be President!

28
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What is that?

29
00:01:47,065 --> 00:01:53,697
And I'm proud to be an American
where at least I know I'm free

30
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:59,828
And I won't forget the men who died
who gave that right to me

31
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And I'll gladly stand up next to you
and defend her still today

32
00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:12,549
'Cause there ain't no doubt
I love this land

33
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:18,680
God bless the USA

34
00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:23,977
Oh, my God! That was beautiful!
I am proud to be an American,

35
00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:27,564
and I am going
to love my country like never before.

36
00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:29,858
Anybody wanna see my Purple Heart?

37
00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:37,115
- We now return to
- The Broken Condom.

38
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- Hey, Lois, ready to go to dinner?
- Yeah, sure. Just let me grab my purse.

39
00:02:49,545 --> 00:02:50,712
Okay, ready.

40
00:02:50,796 --> 00:02:55,175
Ooh! On second thought, I got something
I gotta do back on Krypton.

41
00:02:55,259 --> 00:02:56,552
I thought Krypton was destroyed.

42
00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:58,971
I think we should see other people.

43
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,723
Good morning, my American family.

44
00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:03,642
Peter, where did you get that suit?

45
00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:06,562
My God, you look like
the Statue of Liberty's pimp.

46
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,356
This is how a patriot dresses, Lois.

47
00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:12,317
Boy, I never knew it would feel this good
to love my country.

48
00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:14,862
It's like loving God or a step-parent.

49
00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:17,823
You never really feel them love you back,
but that's okay

50
00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:20,701
because they got other stuff going on,
and you understand.

51
00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:23,370
Peter, you do realize there's a difference
between loving America

52
00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:24,454
and being swept up in post-9/11 paranoia.

53
00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:29,501
Brian, are you suggesting that
9/11 didn't change everything?

54
00:03:29,585 --> 00:03:30,711
What? No, I was just...

55
00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:34,882
Because 9/11 changed everything, Brian.
9/11 changed everything.

56
00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:38,218
Peter, you didn't even know
what 9/11 was until 2004.

57
00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:44,308
Peter, what the hell are you doing?

58
00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:47,477
Lois, I am doing my duty
as a patriotic American.

59
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,771
I'm sacrificing a goat to Toby Keith.

60
00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:53,483
Peter, Toby Keith doesn't want to be fed.
Toby Keith wants to hunt.

61
00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:55,694
Hey, listen,
don't tell me what Toby Keith wants.

62
00:03:55,777 --> 00:03:56,820
I think I'm perfectly capable...

63
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:09,291
You're all doing such a great job,
I wanted to play you a song I wrote

64
00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:11,460
about what America means to me.

65
00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:15,422
When you say USA

66
00:04:15,506 --> 00:04:18,217
I just say hooray

67
00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:20,385
And if you're not from here

68
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:24,348
God's gonna hunt you down
and give you AIDS

69
00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:25,432
USA!

70
00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:34,483
Wow, Peter, you're really becoming
quite the patriot.

71
00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:39,947
You bet I am. I just had my penis
tattooed to look like the space shuttle

72
00:04:40,030 --> 00:04:41,281
and my nads tattooed to look
like launch exhaust.

73
00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:44,826
That bastard!
That was my idea!

74
00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:47,746
He stole it!
I was gonna do that to my penis!

75
00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:49,623
Oh, well, maybe I can do something else.

76
00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:52,167
Like, like, like the Space Needle.

77
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:55,504
Or a banana. Or a Sharpie.

78
00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:58,549
I'm boring myself.
Guess I'll listen to some music.

79
00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:00,759
'Cause I love a rainy night

80
00:05:02,261 --> 00:05:04,346
Yeah, I love a rainy night

81
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,862
Man, that really makes me mad.

82
00:05:19,945 --> 00:05:21,822
Illegal immigrants coming into
this country,

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00:05:21,905 --> 00:05:24,366
taking all the good jobs
away from Americans.

84
00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:28,203
Well, I am gonna make sure people like
that stay out of Quahog from now on.

85
00:05:28,287 --> 00:05:32,207
We are gonna patrol the borders and
keep this town as clean as a Jewish porno.

86
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:34,751
I own four apartment buildings.

87
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,128
Mmm...

88
00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:37,921
I have central air.

89
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,381
Ohhh!

90
00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:42,217
And a well-funded 401k.

91
00:05:42,301 --> 00:05:43,427
Ahhh!

92
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:46,346
We are gonna have sex at some point!

93
00:05:47,890 --> 00:05:50,350
All right, guys, it's gonna be a long
night of border patrol,

94
00:05:50,434 --> 00:05:52,936
so I brought along Michael McDonald
to help us out.

95
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,354
How's he gonna help us?

96
00:05:54,438 --> 00:05:56,857
He's gonna do back-up vocals for
everything we say.

97
00:05:56,940 --> 00:05:58,442
How's he gonna know what we're saying?

98
00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,027
How's he gonna know
what we're saying?

99
00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:01,278
Is he gonna do it for all of us?

100
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:03,071
Is he gonna do it for all of us?

101
00:06:03,155 --> 00:06:04,489
Yeah, I hired him for the night.

102
00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:07,117
It costs, like, $2.50 an hour,
so don't skimp on the conversation.

103
00:06:07,201 --> 00:06:10,704
...so don't skimp
on the conversation

104
00:06:10,996 --> 00:06:12,372
That sounds nice.

105
00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:18,712
Peter, why did you have
my acupuncturist arrested?

106
00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:22,007
Because he was an illegal immigrant
and a threat to our national security.

107
00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:24,468
He was an 85-year-old Korean Buddhist.

108
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,887
Or was he a supreme leader of Al Qaeda?

109
00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:29,264
I guess we'll find out
if he ever gets a trial.

110
00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:31,350
Peter, America was founded
by immigrants.

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00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:34,061
Everyone here is the descendant
of an immigrant.

112
00:06:34,144 --> 00:06:35,729
They're a vital part of our society.

113
00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:39,191
They are part of the Rebel Alliance
and a traitor. Take him away.

114
00:06:39,274 --> 00:06:41,944
Peter, have you seen Stewie's
Speedy Gonzales video?

115
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:44,655
- He won't go to sleep without it.
- I threw it away.

116
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:48,450
What? What the hell, man?
I don't throw away your stuff!

117
00:06:48,534 --> 00:06:51,537
- And where's my goat?
- Peter, why would you do that?

118
00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:55,415
Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant
and a bad influence on our children.

119
00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:58,919
So, I created his American equivalent,
Rapid Dave.

120
00:07:00,462 --> 00:07:03,924
- I got you now, mouse.
- Yeah? Well, up yours, cat.

121
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Quickly! Quickly! Quickly!
Run fast! Run fast! Quickly!

122
00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:16,019
- Hey, Fuad, can I buy you a cup of coffee?
- Yes! Is funny because is free!

123
00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:18,605
- Anyone can have!
- That's right.

124
00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:22,651
- That's the joke.
- Oh, yes.

125
00:07:22,860 --> 00:07:25,404
Why, you son of a bitch.

126
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,740
- Angela, I have a complaint.
- What is it, Griffin?

127
00:07:28,824 --> 00:07:30,701
I think Fuad is an illegal immigrant,

128
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:34,997
and I cannot stand by while he steals
wages and opportunities from citizens.

129
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:36,915
I mean, this is an American company.

130
00:07:36,999 --> 00:07:40,711
You don't see Nike or Microsoft
or General Motors or Ford or Boeing

131
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:44,006
or Coca-Cola or Kellogg's profiting from
non-American labor.

132
00:07:45,257 --> 00:07:47,885
Is funny because they all do!

133
00:07:49,386 --> 00:07:52,306
You have a point, Griffin. Maybe we should
run a company-wide check

134
00:07:52,389 --> 00:07:54,725
to make sure all our personnel
are legal citizens.

135
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,059
Now you're talking, Angela.

136
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:57,436
This country needs more immigrants

137
00:07:57,519 --> 00:08:00,063
like my cousin Peter the Pig
needs a new house.

138
00:08:02,441 --> 00:08:04,234
PETER THE PIG:
I wouldn't do that, if I were you.

139
00:08:04,318 --> 00:08:06,737
- What?
- I said, I wouldn't do that.

140
00:08:08,739 --> 00:08:09,990
I said knock it off!

141
00:08:10,073 --> 00:08:12,659
- Why?
- Because I just made stool in there,

142
00:08:12,743 --> 00:08:15,245
and if you blow it down,
the whole woods is gonna stink.

143
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:18,040
Do you understand?
Do you understand me, sir?

144
00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:23,462
- Peter, what brings you here?
- Hi, Mom.

145
00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:25,339
Hey, there's a new policy at work

146
00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:29,301
where everyone has to prove they're an
American, and I need my birth certificate.

147
00:08:30,219 --> 00:08:33,263
Oh, dear. Peter, sit down.

148
00:08:34,598 --> 00:08:38,435
I don't know how to tell you this,
but you weren't born in America.

149
00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:41,104
- You were born in Mexico.
- What?

150
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:44,858
When I found out that your real father
was a drunken Irishman,

151
00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:47,736
I went to Mexico
to terminate my pregnancy.

152
00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:52,533
But God had other plans,
and you were born right there.

153
00:08:57,079 --> 00:08:59,998
You were so beautiful, and I loved you,

154
00:09:00,499 --> 00:09:05,212
but when I got back home, I was so afraid
of being judged by the community

155
00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:08,215
that I never filled out the paperwork
to make you a citizen.

156
00:09:08,298 --> 00:09:10,801
Mom, what are you saying?

157
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:14,263
Peter, as far as
the US government is concerned,

158
00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:18,433
- you're an illegal Mexican immigrant.
- Holy crap!

159
00:09:19,685 --> 00:09:23,105
Looks like I've got myself in a bind!
How will I get out of this one?

160
00:09:23,188 --> 00:09:24,231
Stick around...

161
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:27,484
'Cause we've got Cleveland
and Quagmire, and Joe and Mort

162
00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:30,612
And all your cartoon pals

163
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,662
Peter, how come you're not at work?

164
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:41,164
I got fired for being
an illegal immigrant.

165
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:45,043
Oh, dear. You know, Peter,
you can always take a citizenship test.

166
00:09:45,127 --> 00:09:48,005
I mean, if Wilmer Valderrama passed,
it can't be that difficult.

167
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:51,592
Well, by that logic, Lois, it can't be
that difficult to nail Lindsay Lohan.

168
00:09:51,675 --> 00:09:52,885
I don't think it is.

169
00:09:52,968 --> 00:09:56,763
Oh! Well, good news there. All right,
you wanna head down to the INS?

170
00:10:00,017 --> 00:10:01,768
So, give me the good news. Did I pass?

171
00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:05,147
I'm afraid it doesn't look good for you,
Señor Griffin.

172
00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:06,815
So far, you've failed everything,

173
00:10:06,899 --> 00:10:09,943
including the "Behaving Like an American
at the Airport" test.

174
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:14,156
No, it wasn't bad. Yeah, I'm on the way
to the next plane now.

175
00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:16,825
Yeah, I got a middle seat,
so I'm gonna see if I can switch.

176
00:10:16,909 --> 00:10:18,160
Oh, a Sbarro!

177
00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:21,663
I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza
so I got something to stuff in my face

178
00:10:21,747 --> 00:10:23,248
while I'm reading USA Today.

179
00:10:23,707 --> 00:10:27,294
The only thing remaining is the oral test,
which I will administer here.

180
00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:30,547
Now, question number one.
Who discovered America?

181
00:10:31,215 --> 00:10:32,716
- Dick York?
- No.

182
00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,426
Dick Sargent. It was Dick Sargent.

183
00:10:35,594 --> 00:10:37,638
Question number two.
Complete this sentence.

184
00:10:37,721 --> 00:10:40,891
"The land of the free
and the home of the blank."

185
00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:43,477
- Home of the Whopper?
- You've got to be kidding me.

186
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,187
Mr. Griffin,
if you were truly an American,

187
00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:46,772
you would know our national anthem.

188
00:10:46,855 --> 00:10:49,149
Now, wait a minute!
He is too an American.

189
00:10:49,233 --> 00:10:53,779
- We've been married for almost 20 years!
- Well, we hear that one a lot around here.

190
00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:56,406
Course there's a very easy way
of detecting fraud.

191
00:10:56,490 --> 00:10:58,784
Mr. Griffin, what is your wife's birthday?

192
00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:00,994
Uh...

193
00:11:01,078 --> 00:11:02,746
Give me another one.
Give me another one.

194
00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:07,000
- Where is your wife's hometown?
- One more, one more.

195
00:11:07,084 --> 00:11:09,461
What is your wife's
favorite outdoor activity?

196
00:11:09,545 --> 00:11:10,587
Uh...

197
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:13,298
- Things an overcoat would say.
- I'm covered with water.

198
00:11:13,382 --> 00:11:15,008
Things an umbrella would say.

199
00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:18,762
- You wear me.
- Things a festive bow tie would say.

200
00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:20,347
You wear me to keep you dry.

201
00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:23,225
- Things Speed Stick would say.
- I keep your head dry.

202
00:11:23,308 --> 00:11:24,643
- I said umbrella.
- It's not umbrella.

203
00:11:25,811 --> 00:11:30,232
Peter, what if I said, "I keep your head
dry, you wear me in the bathroom"?

204
00:11:31,483 --> 00:11:33,068
- Shower cap.
- There you go.

205
00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:35,112
- Oh, man.
- Did you have fun?

206
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:38,156
- I had fun. Yeah.
- All right, we'll be back after this.

207
00:11:52,171 --> 00:11:53,922
Peter, what are you gonna do about a job?

208
00:11:54,006 --> 00:11:56,216
We can't just keep
eating into our savings.

209
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:59,011
I'll just have to find a job
for an illegal immigrant.

210
00:11:59,094 --> 00:12:01,388
I can't believe this is happening
to our family.

211
00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:03,473
It's taken us all by surprise, Meg.

212
00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:06,185
Like that realistic original ending
to Dirty Dancing.

213
00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:08,437
Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

214
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:13,233
I do, because I'm her father,
and she's 16. What are you, like 38?

215
00:12:13,317 --> 00:12:14,943
Forty-one.

216
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,664
"Hotel maid wanted."

217
00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:29,124
Sweet. I could do that.

218
00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:35,130
Housekeeping.

219
00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:38,717
- Housekeeping.
- Come back later, please.

220
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,636
- Housekeeping?
- Not now!

221
00:12:40,969 --> 00:12:43,597
- Housekeeping.
- Go away.

222
00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:46,391
- I come in anyway?
- No! Go away!

223
00:12:46,475 --> 00:12:48,060
I come in anyway.

224
00:12:48,352 --> 00:12:50,145
- Oh, my God!
- I said no!

225
00:12:50,229 --> 00:12:52,481
- Okay, I clean?
- No! Get out of here!

226
00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:53,941
- I clean now?
- No!

227
00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:55,692
- I stay and watch?
- No!

228
00:12:55,776 --> 00:12:57,236
- I get involved?
- What?

229
00:12:57,319 --> 00:12:59,321
I get involved with lady?

230
00:12:59,988 --> 00:13:02,324
- What do you think?
- Turn around.

231
00:13:02,658 --> 00:13:03,909
- I don't think so.
- Okay.

232
00:13:03,992 --> 00:13:05,536
- You lend me money?
- No.

233
00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:07,496
You drive my grandmother
to doctor's appointment?

234
00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:11,124
- No! No, I'm not doing that.
- I stick finger in your mouth?

235
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:13,877
Housekeeping?

236
00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:15,337
- Okay.
- Okay.

237
00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:18,715
"Nanny wanted."

238
00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:20,801
Well, that sounds like a good job
for an immigrant.

239
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:24,096
Michael, did you hear the good news?
We're getting a new nanny.

240
00:13:24,179 --> 00:13:26,223
Oh, Jane, I'm ever so excited.

241
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,433
Do you suppose
she'll be everything we've dreamed?

242
00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:32,563
Oh, I do hope so.
I've always imagined the most beautiful...

243
00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:38,485
Damn it!

244
00:14:06,180 --> 00:14:08,223
Oh, Peter, you look exhausted!

245
00:14:08,307 --> 00:14:11,727
I am, Lois.
Life as a Mexican immigrant is brutal.

246
00:14:11,810 --> 00:14:15,856
Even after seven jobs and joining Menudo,
I only made 25 bucks.

247
00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:18,901
Now, look, don't get upset,
but I've been so worried about you

248
00:14:18,984 --> 00:14:21,320
- that I asked someone for help.
- Who?

249
00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:25,199
- Hello, fat ass.
- Lois, immigrants don't take handouts.

250
00:14:25,282 --> 00:14:27,993
They just take one DVD a month
from the house they're cleaning

251
00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,703
until they have a respectable collection.

252
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:32,039
It's not a handout, it's a job.

253
00:14:32,122 --> 00:14:35,542
Daddy employs lots of immigrants, and
he said you could work at the mansion.

254
00:14:35,626 --> 00:14:37,961
Really? Well, thanks a lot,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.

255
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:39,671
I promise I won't let you down.

256
00:14:39,755 --> 00:14:42,633
Well, they all do eventually.
Except for Noriega.

257
00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:46,261
God bless him and his drug money.
I wish he were here today.

258
00:14:46,345 --> 00:14:47,721
Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt!

259
00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:49,806
Oh, look who it is!
Come here so I can give you a hug!

260
00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:50,933
Come here so I can give you a hug!

261
00:15:00,651 --> 00:15:02,402
- There they are.
- Hi, Mom.

262
00:15:02,486 --> 00:15:04,196
- Hi, Grandma!
- Grandma!

263
00:15:04,279 --> 00:15:05,822
I missed you.

264
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:07,574
Peter, I'm using you as a house immigrant,

265
00:15:07,658 --> 00:15:09,576
so take my family's luggage
to their rooms,

266
00:15:09,660 --> 00:15:11,912
and then go get settled
down at the servants' quarters.

267
00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:14,248
Right away, Mr. Pewterschmidt, sir.

268
00:15:14,331 --> 00:15:16,458
Daddy, we don't want
any special treatment.

269
00:15:16,542 --> 00:15:19,419
We're here as a family,
and we're going to live as a family.

270
00:15:19,503 --> 00:15:23,298
Are you serious? We come to a mansion,
and you want to live with the help?

271
00:15:23,382 --> 00:15:26,218
That's like going to a strip club
on a Tuesday afternoon.

272
00:15:29,847 --> 00:15:32,558
Is there anyone here
who hasn't had a c-section?

273
00:15:44,236 --> 00:15:46,697
Oh, no.
That boy's ball fell out of the cup.

274
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:51,243
Oh, but it's okay, because the ball
is on a string and attached to the cup.

275
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:55,539
You must be the Griffins.
I am Gerardo, the head groundskeeper.

276
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:59,668
You must be exhausted. Come, come.
Let's get you to your new home.

277
00:16:01,837 --> 00:16:04,965
- Hey, Señorita!
- You got nice bread dough legs!

278
00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:06,967
I got a blank prescription pad!

279
00:16:10,220 --> 00:16:11,805
See, this isn't so bad.

280
00:16:11,889 --> 00:16:15,475
Not so bad? We're sharing a tool shed
with seven other families.

281
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:23,275
They're making the best of it.

282
00:16:27,112 --> 00:16:30,032
Good morning, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
It's 8:00, and I'm ready for work.

283
00:16:30,115 --> 00:16:31,491
Good. Have a seat.

284
00:16:31,575 --> 00:16:32,951
- Drink that.
- What is it?

285
00:16:33,035 --> 00:16:35,746
My blood.
I'm a diabetic, and I need you to test it.

286
00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:37,873
- Isn't that dangerous?
- I don't know. Probably.

287
00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:40,250
- I don't wanna.
- You work for me. Now, drink it.

288
00:16:40,334 --> 00:16:42,544
- No!
- Drink my diabetic blood, Peter,

289
00:16:42,628 --> 00:16:43,962
or you're fired.

290
00:16:46,507 --> 00:16:49,760
I can't believe you really did that.
That's nasty. You're nasty.

291
00:16:56,475 --> 00:16:58,393
Peter, how was your first day?

292
00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:01,396
Horrible! I never worked
so hard in my life.

293
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:03,565
How the hell do you guys
do this every day?

294
00:17:03,649 --> 00:17:07,986
- Immigrant life sucks.
- But, Peter, life in America is wonderful.

295
00:17:08,070 --> 00:17:10,197
That is why we risk everything
to come here.

296
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,534
I don't know, Cheech. It seems like
a lot of work for no respect.

297
00:17:13,617 --> 00:17:18,163
Peter, America is the land of opportunity.
There are tall buildings,

298
00:17:18,247 --> 00:17:25,170
cheeseburgers and Fox's many hit comedy
series, including That '70s Show, and...

299
00:17:29,258 --> 00:17:31,468
But let me ask you something.
Don't you miss your home?

300
00:17:31,552 --> 00:17:35,389
Of course. We come to America
for financial opportunities, Peter,

301
00:17:35,472 --> 00:17:40,894
but, someday, we will return to Mexico
because our heritage is rich and glorious.

302
00:17:40,978 --> 00:17:44,064
Wait, wait, hang on a second. Are you
saying there's more to being Mexican

303
00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:46,525
than working hard
and lusting after big asses?

304
00:17:46,608 --> 00:17:50,529
There is, Peter. In fact, we are preparing
our Cinco de Mayo celebration.

305
00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:53,532
As a Mexican,
you must experience it with us.

306
00:18:00,414 --> 00:18:04,626
Well, kids, enjoy yourselves.
Cinco de Mayo is as Mexican as it gets.

307
00:18:04,835 --> 00:18:06,628
Wow, this is awesome!

308
00:18:06,712 --> 00:18:09,464
And later, I'm gonna go
lift free weights in a parking lot!

309
00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:13,969
Oh, Peter, I'm so proud that you've
embraced these people as your own.

310
00:18:14,052 --> 00:18:16,388
You've come a long way
from hating foreigners.

311
00:18:16,471 --> 00:18:19,516
Well, Lois, life can surprise you
if you open your mind a little.

312
00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:21,435
For example, I used to hate the Japanese,

313
00:18:21,518 --> 00:18:23,896
but then I saw Lou Diamond Phillips
in Young Guns,

314
00:18:23,979 --> 00:18:25,314
and now I don't hate them anymore.

315
00:18:25,397 --> 00:18:28,358
Peter, I don't think that
Lou Diamond Phillips is Japanese.

316
00:18:28,442 --> 00:18:30,819
Chinese, Japanese,
dirty knees, look at these.

317
00:18:30,903 --> 00:18:32,654
Hey, what do you say
we get some of them burritos?

318
00:18:33,906 --> 00:18:38,577
Oh, muñequita, I would love to feel
your mustache on my mustache.

319
00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:41,246
Really? Well, there's a lot more body hair
where that came from.

320
00:18:41,330 --> 00:18:42,372
Oh, well, then no thank you.

321
00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:49,213
What the hell is going on here?
Why aren't you people working?

322
00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:51,298
It's Cinco de Mayo, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

323
00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:55,719
Look, I don't care what day it is in
Mexico, in America we work on weekdays.

324
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:59,848
Now, do your jobs or I'll deport your
lazy asses back to the third world.

325
00:19:02,476 --> 00:19:04,228
Wait a minute, hang on, everybody.

326
00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:08,315
What he just said does not represent
the America that I know and love.

327
00:19:08,398 --> 00:19:11,318
This country used to welcome our kind
with open arms,

328
00:19:11,401 --> 00:19:14,446
but men like Carter Pewterschmidt
use us for cheap labor,

329
00:19:14,530 --> 00:19:18,700
and then try to punish us when we
demand to be treated like human beings.

330
00:19:18,784 --> 00:19:21,912
Well, no more!
Immigrants built this country,

331
00:19:21,995 --> 00:19:25,290
and I say it's time for us
to take it back! Who's with me?

332
00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:28,752
Could you say whole speech
again in Spanish?

333
00:19:36,218 --> 00:19:38,095
What the hell is that?

334
00:19:46,645 --> 00:19:50,357
Get out of the way, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
we are here to take what's ours.

335
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:53,443
Well, I mean, technically it's yours,
but we don't feel like you deserve it,

336
00:19:53,527 --> 00:19:55,737
so we're calling it ours
and taking it anyway.

337
00:19:55,821 --> 00:19:59,366
But, Peter, why would you want to harm
a fellow American citizen?

338
00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:01,702
- What?
- All I have to do is make one call

339
00:20:01,785 --> 00:20:04,788
to a friend of mine in Washington,
and he can push your paperwork through.

340
00:20:04,872 --> 00:20:07,207
You'll officially be an American citizen.

341
00:20:07,291 --> 00:20:11,545
Not good enough, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
I want citizenship for everyone here.

342
00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,589
Peter, you do not have to do this.

343
00:20:13,797 --> 00:20:18,427
Yes I do, Gerardo. This great land should
be everything to you that it is to me.

344
00:20:18,510 --> 00:20:21,430
A land where a man is paid
a wage he can live on.

345
00:20:21,513 --> 00:20:23,932
A land where we flush every time.

346
00:20:24,016 --> 00:20:27,436
A land where 17 miles
is not walking distance.

347
00:20:27,519 --> 00:20:29,938
A land where meals
are not purchased from a truck

348
00:20:30,022 --> 00:20:31,607
and then eaten in a different truck.

349
00:20:31,690 --> 00:20:33,192
All right, all right, you make your point.

350
00:20:33,275 --> 00:20:34,443
It's getting a little offensive.

351
00:20:34,526 --> 00:20:37,196
That's my only offer. Take it or leave it.

352
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:42,075
Peter, you must go.
We will find our own way.

353
00:20:42,159 --> 00:20:43,952
I'll never forget you, Gerardo.

354
00:20:44,286 --> 00:20:46,330
Boy, I sure am gonna miss Reynaldo,

355
00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:48,373
but I'm glad I'm finally
an American again.

356
00:20:48,457 --> 00:20:50,667
Being an immigrant
is a real pain in the ass.

357
00:20:50,751 --> 00:20:54,379
I'm glad, too, Peter, but I did enjoy
learning about another culture.

358
00:20:54,463 --> 00:20:56,924
Yeah, you know, so did I.
Well, I guess everything's back to normal.

359
00:20:57,007 --> 00:20:59,760
Well, I guess
everything's back to normal

360
00:20:59,885 --> 00:21:01,261
Oh, man, not this guy again.

361
00:21:01,345 --> 00:21:02,888
Oh, man, not this guy again

362
00:21:04,056 --> 00:21:05,098
Fart!